And for those of you who knew her:

"GRASSROOTS!"

hey marla,

i was thinking about you and wanted to say hi. i want to you to run up and hug me or even one of those "drive-by phone calls". but i can't. i miss you still and now and lots of times during regular days. i love you and i miss you and i hate that i'm drinking red wine alone on the anniversary of your death, that i even have to say "anniversary of your death" now, we're only 30. i miss you for you and who you were and what you did, but even if you didn't do all that amazing stuff, i'd still miss you and still love you 'cause that's what i loved you for in the first place, before i really understood all the stuff you'd done and you'd do. you were my friend and i miss you. i miss my friend and its so hard for me to say that 'cause i'm so good at denial and avoidance and i could do it, the denial. i could sit here with this wine and shed a few tears and remember a few anecdotes and then finish covering my grief by reaffirming my commitment to saving the world in your name. but i miss the other half of marlaanderin and its been years and i still slobber and can't be around other people like this 'cause this kind of crying makes other people nervous. i don't know why i'm writing this here. i didn't know where else to go and iomi and brett had done it so i thought it'd be ok. but in some way i think i should delete it or write it on a paper and burn it or flush it so it so it doesn't become something that's not, so it doesn't become something that's not just for you, only for you. i think some of the stuff that came after... i don't know, but it felt like some people were using it, to run or hide or something. bleh. i don't care about any of if. i just miss you and want to play and hug and laugh and run around and do all that fun stuff we did. and i hate that i love you sometimes 'cause it still hurts and it feels like it will always hurt. and i don't want to galvanize and organize and run out and protest in your name 'cause i just miss you and i want to just miss you for you. you were my friend. i'm sad for my friend who is gone and why does it have to be more than that? all that other stuff is great and wonderful and i hope everyone changes the world in your name but its another way to hide from it, hide from missing you. but i don't know, we had only this one bit of time and who am i to be so arrogant to think that it was special 'cause it was only college and it was only me and we didn't save dying children. and you did so much of that afterwards and maybe that was more meaningful or important. but i think you loved me too. that's part of what i loved about you, that you made me believe that we were really friends and friends for the sake of it, 'cause we loved each other like sisters, not because either one of us was special, except special to each other. marla, i miss you. stupid computer and electronic pixels that form images of letters that don't mean anything!!!!! i miss you and i love you and i don't want to say "the anniversary of your death" but i will, i'll be brave for you and i'll live and i'll miss you and i won't hide from it anymore. and you can just be you, in my memories. you don't have to be anything more than my friend, you don't have to save the world anymore (even though you still are!). and i'll still love you and miss you just as much 'cause you were my friend.
love, me